Another way to do it, is find a nice gun, something that feels good for her, then let her shoot mild target loads at the range, and load it with stout SD loads when she carries it.

I have done this with handguns and hunting rifles for people who are recoil sensitive. In hunting, my daughter was scared of the recoil when she started. I loaded some 120 grain hornady's at about 2300 fps out of her 6.5 x55 swede, she loved shooting that, and she shot a couple of hundred rounds over the course of a year or so. Before she went hunting, I loaded some 140 grain partitions to about 2800 fps, This is a low +p load in the Swede, but it was being fired in a new ruger vs a 100 year old 96 mauser. I resighted the scope without her and the recoil was still mild, less than .308 by a long margin, but still substantially stronger then her popper loads.

WHen she shot her deer, she never felt the recoil, and refused to believe after the fact that the rounds she fired had any more recoil than her poppers. In fact she says she never felt the recoil on the first few deer...

this could be like loading mid range wadcutters for a .38, and feeding the gun .357 mag loads. Once the bullets start flying the woman never feels the recoil

The post was written in the 1st person because I was the one writing the post.
We have discussed different issues revolving around what she is looking for and was uncomfortable with when I took her shooting with my firearms. If I were trying to force her into my selection, I would go buy something right now and tell her to carry it. However I am trying to find some suggestions that would fall into what is more suited to her needs.
She has stated very emphatically that she is not comfortable with the recoil of my Taurus 24/7. That is the only reason that we are ruling out 9mm.
Shooting lighter loads in range sessions might be a good idea, I however am not reloading my own ammo yet, that is a project for the near future.
Maybe the best option is to take her to one of the gun shows at Bill's and let her shoot a variety of guns. Hell, it would be just my luck that she would like the .45 better than the nine and then she's the one that gets the new 1911!

There are reduced recoil 38 special factory loads available.

If you are having trouble locating them, look for Cowboy Action loads.

I went through this a few years back after my wife got her permit and started looking at carry guns. I borrowed everything I thought was right, and she eventually asked a guy at Bills to try his EMP, she shot about 20 rounds through it and told me to buy her that day.

I'm not saying buy her an EMP, which by the way is great gun, but the point is she knew what she wanted and what worked for her when she made the call.

The really great news is she lets me shoot it sometimes and its a sweet little 1911.